This is a big one...really so blind everything was right in front of my face but I chose not to see it. Normally I would say I can't or couldn't see it, but that would be a lie. I CHOSE not to see it. Plain and simple.
With a marriage on the brink of divorce, I'm pulling out all the stops. This man was meant for me and while we both have faulted in our marriage I know we are meant to be together. I will fight with everything I have to save our marriage.
Surrender, Serenity, Responsibility, and Recieve.
These are four words that I completely misunderstood.
I always took surrender as giving in, losing, being powerless and hopeless. Defeated.
Boy was I wrong...I'm actually a controlling bitch... and I mean that in the nicest way lol.
Really though...all I can correct or try to repair are my faults. Here are just a few
each comment that I thought "I'm only trying to help" was controlling out of fear. Each time I rebutted something he said, I was trying to control him based on what I thought. I wasn't acknowledging him or his feelings, his opinions. I was actually dismissing them, and therefore dismissing him. How could I be so rude and disrespectful to the man I love. Every time I told him," no I'll do it" or brushed off his offers to help I was telling him I don't trust that you can do this the right way. My way. Holy shit, does it really matter who's way as long as it's done. No. I was telling my husband you are incompetent.
He has been patient he has been kind and gracious...more so than I think most would be but I refused it. I rebutted compliments because I didn't think I deserved them, I took away opportunities because I didn't think we could afford them. I didn't trust his plan. I married him because he was smart, kind, loving, strong, supportive and patient. But I took that away. How could I be so blind?
Responsibility
That meant carrying the burden, alleviating others of it, being at fault. Not entirely. Some situations yes it is being at fault. But being responsible for my actions, my words and knowing what they mean and do to others are completely different. Expressing what I want clearly and definitively is responsible.
Many of us look at compliments and rather than saying thank you, we avert our eyes, or follow up with a comment about something that is wrong with us. What happened to just saying thank you? Graciously accepting that someone wanted to be nice to us and tell us so. We recieve gifts, but rather than looking at the gesture we look at the gift, was it what you wanted? Maybe, maybe not. That isn't the point...someone wanted to do something nice for you and your thoughts and actions may have taken that away becuase you didn't respond favorably... we are told...it's the thought that counts. That is true when it comes to gifts. Its the thought, the why that counts. They wanted to be nice to you.
I have to go to the Dr... but I'll add to this later today.. I have a lot to say on this one.
So after writing several things down...the blue screen of death made an appearance and I forgot to save during my writing...grrr....
So lets see if I can recap what I said.
We started with a series of events that let us believe if we can control things it would be right because we did it our way....
it comes back to trust. full trust. not trusting in one aspect but trusting that you married a smart, loving, good man. One who knows how to drive the car from A to B and get you there safely. Trust. One who knows how to load the dishwasher...even if its different than yours. Trust. Meaning you trust them and are anticipating the BEST outcome, not the worst. That is full trust. Of course there are situations in every life in which it is deserved and not deserved...
This same lack of trust in other aspects actually reflects our fears. Go figure.
Verbal Abuse...everyone has that friend that says "I don't like what he says to you, how do you put up with it?" What they hear is what you tell them..."he said this, or he did that" What they normally don't hear is what you said as well. We always tell a story and tend to paint ourselves in the best light. That's our nature, we don't want to be the bad guy so it is easy to make them the bad guy.
Verbal abuse is one of the worst, because it strikes immediately and it is hard, cutting right to the core of your self worth. What we don't tell our friends is what we said as well, what we might have done which made him defensive and retaliate with those words as well. Often times these insults are hurdled as a way of protection for ourselves.
Think about this...is it more important to win or to maintain balance and serenity at home...
We all do it some more than others...finish our spouses sentences. While sometimes its cute and works, other times it reflects the assumption that we know what he is thinking and wants. We are taking away an opinion, a value, taking away their self worth. It really is a form of disrespect. He is an intelligent adult fully capable of his own thoughts and deserving to express them himself, not through you.
The more you disrespect the more you push him away. The more I don't let him do things and help and say things that he thinks and feels the more I push us towards divorce....
how could I be so blind.. so selfish..
So I count yesterday as day one on the road back and today is day two... I'm not done today but need to get some work done. I'll be back after dinner..this is a big day
With a marriage on the brink of divorce, I'm pulling out all the stops. This man was meant for me and while we both have faulted in our marriage I know we are meant to be together. I will fight with everything I have to save our marriage.
Surrender, Serenity, Responsibility, and Recieve.
These are four words that I completely misunderstood.
I always took surrender as giving in, losing, being powerless and hopeless. Defeated.
Boy was I wrong...I'm actually a controlling bitch... and I mean that in the nicest way lol.
Really though...all I can correct or try to repair are my faults. Here are just a few
each comment that I thought "I'm only trying to help" was controlling out of fear. Each time I rebutted something he said, I was trying to control him based on what I thought. I wasn't acknowledging him or his feelings, his opinions. I was actually dismissing them, and therefore dismissing him. How could I be so rude and disrespectful to the man I love. Every time I told him," no I'll do it" or brushed off his offers to help I was telling him I don't trust that you can do this the right way. My way. Holy shit, does it really matter who's way as long as it's done. No. I was telling my husband you are incompetent.
He has been patient he has been kind and gracious...more so than I think most would be but I refused it. I rebutted compliments because I didn't think I deserved them, I took away opportunities because I didn't think we could afford them. I didn't trust his plan. I married him because he was smart, kind, loving, strong, supportive and patient. But I took that away. How could I be so blind?
Responsibility
That meant carrying the burden, alleviating others of it, being at fault. Not entirely. Some situations yes it is being at fault. But being responsible for my actions, my words and knowing what they mean and do to others are completely different. Expressing what I want clearly and definitively is responsible.
Many of us look at compliments and rather than saying thank you, we avert our eyes, or follow up with a comment about something that is wrong with us. What happened to just saying thank you? Graciously accepting that someone wanted to be nice to us and tell us so. We recieve gifts, but rather than looking at the gesture we look at the gift, was it what you wanted? Maybe, maybe not. That isn't the point...someone wanted to do something nice for you and your thoughts and actions may have taken that away becuase you didn't respond favorably... we are told...it's the thought that counts. That is true when it comes to gifts. Its the thought, the why that counts. They wanted to be nice to you.
I have to go to the Dr... but I'll add to this later today.. I have a lot to say on this one.
So after writing several things down...the blue screen of death made an appearance and I forgot to save during my writing...grrr....
So lets see if I can recap what I said.
We started with a series of events that let us believe if we can control things it would be right because we did it our way....
it comes back to trust. full trust. not trusting in one aspect but trusting that you married a smart, loving, good man. One who knows how to drive the car from A to B and get you there safely. Trust. One who knows how to load the dishwasher...even if its different than yours. Trust. Meaning you trust them and are anticipating the BEST outcome, not the worst. That is full trust. Of course there are situations in every life in which it is deserved and not deserved...
This same lack of trust in other aspects actually reflects our fears. Go figure.
Verbal Abuse...everyone has that friend that says "I don't like what he says to you, how do you put up with it?" What they hear is what you tell them..."he said this, or he did that" What they normally don't hear is what you said as well. We always tell a story and tend to paint ourselves in the best light. That's our nature, we don't want to be the bad guy so it is easy to make them the bad guy.
Verbal abuse is one of the worst, because it strikes immediately and it is hard, cutting right to the core of your self worth. What we don't tell our friends is what we said as well, what we might have done which made him defensive and retaliate with those words as well. Often times these insults are hurdled as a way of protection for ourselves.
Think about this...is it more important to win or to maintain balance and serenity at home...
We all do it some more than others...finish our spouses sentences. While sometimes its cute and works, other times it reflects the assumption that we know what he is thinking and wants. We are taking away an opinion, a value, taking away their self worth. It really is a form of disrespect. He is an intelligent adult fully capable of his own thoughts and deserving to express them himself, not through you.
The more you disrespect the more you push him away. The more I don't let him do things and help and say things that he thinks and feels the more I push us towards divorce....
how could I be so blind.. so selfish..
So I count yesterday as day one on the road back and today is day two... I'm not done today but need to get some work done. I'll be back after dinner..this is a big day
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