hanging by a thread

"I wish it could be different" "I wish we could work it out, we just can't. I'm sorry."

That's what is resonating in my head tonight...
My response...that's the difference between you and me, I still think it can, but you gave up. I don't know what's going to happen but I know that I'm barely maintaining my sanity and so many things seem to come at you like a slap in the face when you are looking at your world crashing down on you.
I got some very good advice today from one of the best friends I think I have ever had. I let myself get so wrapped up into and surrounding his world that I lost me, and it became all about him. He had all the power. I had to stand up for my sanity and for myself. Feels like I'm climbing Mt Everest.

How am I going to take care of our children, how am I going to support them both financially and be sure they are ok through this.

I don't know how the next hour is going to go let alone the next week. Some part of me still hopes there is a chance for us to work through this, but at what cost.  I thought about it today....He left me.  He LEFT me, and took away any faith I had in him as a partner and friend. I don't feel that I can count on him when things get rough or a problem comes up. Wtf...is he just going to chuck it and say I'm leaving again. I'm slowly putting up that guard, I don't know if I can open up to him like before. I don't know if he deserves my heart. He broke it, over and over again.
The catch 22 in that is that I do still love him with all my heart. I want to be with him. I just don't know if I can. What if he hurts me again?

No matter what things will never be the same. Better or worse...well what the hell is this!

I feel that pain deep in my chest and I just don't know what any of this crap that's bouncing around in my head means.
I never thought I would have to do this alone. I don't know if I can do this alone.


Just let me wake up from this nightmare and things be ok. Please let me wake up.

Is this just a dream or is it really over...

I know once again it's been a while....well you'll see why soon..

He left.

Finally hit that breaking point. He never even tried the dare. or at least in my eyes. Maybe I crammed it down his throat to much in a desperate effort to hold on to him.
I tried so hard for so long to fight him leaving and all I did was push him away.
I don't know whats going to happen because he is in a week training and supposed to come back mid next week... His plan is to come back to the house. I  have no idea how this is going to work or the details...
My world has come crashing down and while we both are to blame I sit and look at everything I coulda shoulda woulda done differently, better, or harder. Hindsight is 20/20.
I realized that I have a lot of work to do on me. For me. Not for us, not for him, for me. I had/have this view of myself that made believe I deserved much of what was coming to me. Some of the words the anger the and the hurt.
I kept for a long time a list of things that the hubby had said to me. They aren't worth repeating here, but some were pretty bad and no one deserves that. Not even me.

Close your eyes
Relax
You are safe
Let go of the past
Let go of the pain
Remember what an incredible woman you are.

It looks simple enough, but believing in myself is not that easy.
So while I love my husband with all my heart and always will, and I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of our lives together. I just don't know if that's going to happen. And it breaks my heart to hear/read/think that.

So whether this is the beginning of the end, it opens a new chapter of my life, one in which I have to figure out me, believe in me, and be able to do it on my own. I don't have a choice anymore, and I have three babies that need me. I can't let them down.


It's not supposed to be this way though.

Ok yes I know

He comes home and I disappear. Seems to be a cycle... but I don't want that to continue to be the cycle. I sent him out this weekend, for a friends bachelor party. It was a weekend event complete with paintball, skeet, and lounging by a pool. I am good with it.

  I have no worries or issues. ok that is a small white lie....the back of my mind wonders, but only a little bit really. I'm not worried about checking his phone or anything like that. I don't have time really.

Just started a new job, managing a company with over 200 employees. I'm responsible for everything. Its been a hectic first week, but I'm diving in and trying to alleviate my staffs frustrations.

On the downside, he goes away and something bad always goes wrong...one baby has the stomach flu. Dogs knocked my coffee over into my laptop and all over the ottoman! lol Laptop ok, ottoman smells like sweet vanilla cream latte!

But back to focus. I was going to try to do two blogs one for normal stuff and one for this end but it's not gonna work, I for see problems keeping up on one let alone two.... But this is one of my goals. Keep this going...it's been very therapeutic for me.

And we are starting the love dare together on the 15th. It marks the time we leave the kiddos off to visit with gramma and grampa for a few weeks and time to actually focus on us just a bit.

So now I'm off to clean up. This whole working all week and not time to clean and shop is a huge adjustment.

Talk to you soon!

FInally ready for homecoming..notes on marriage

Well hubby's current business trip ends today and he'll be home for good tomorrow. We've had a rough month, but things seem to be moving in the right direction. The principals behind both books are strong and have an incredible validity.

They remind you of how you started out and help you truly understand how you got to this point where things are rough. They provide clear and solid way to get back to the good stuff, you just have to trust and believe not only in yourself but in your spouse.

With that said, I know I threw out a few tidbits of controversy there yesterday, and I believe to each his own. Men are programmed to want to spread their seed everywhere and as often as possible. No that doesn't m make it ok for him to do so in front of you or behind your back.

I also believe that we have narrowed in our minds what the ideal marriage should be. That's what society says is ok, and acceptable. But who are they to say what is ok in YOUR marriage... It's yours not theirs. So only the two of you can define your marriage. You set the standard and you measure to your standard, not theirs.  The saying goes if everyone jumped off a cliff would you follow? It holds true for most everything. Don't do any of it because someone else did.
We enjoy extra friends so to speak, from time to time.  No I'm not a lesbian and no I don't consider myself even bisexual really. I prefer the term bi selective. So we sometimes have another friend join us or a couple. Either way we are ok with it, we set our rules and we stick to them. That's what makes it work. Our hearts belong to each other, but we are ok with sharing our bodies now and then!
Honestly the only thing we share is the physical act of it. There is no emotion involved. Now every so often we'll find a crazy or two, or someone will get jealous and we deal with that like adults. We don't let it affect our marriage. Some things are off limits other things are ok until we decide otherwise.

It works for us and you'd be surprised how many others it works for as well...really surprised in fact. lol
Anyway, he comes home and as far as I know is going to start his love dare journey. I'm going to start it again as a refresher...can never read a good thing too many times.

What I take away from my ramblings is a better understanding of myself and my husband. Writing this has been very cathartic, because I do go back and read what I post and if really gives me a third person perspective of what is going on. I can see sometimes for what I'm wrong about and what I need to stand my ground with. Prior to opening this I've kept a private journal on my laptop. But I'm hoping that someone will benefit from my experiences, mistakes and victories.

Till tomorrow.

Man how time flies....no joke

Ok I know its been a while....its been a crazy busy few days. Birthday parties and another great weekend with the hubby.

Crud, I deleted my entry by mistake. Now have to start over....
Well here's the rundown, had a great weekend. Hung out with friends and even had some extra fun with hubby and my girlfriend in the bedroom...Yes I said that. One aspect of our lives that throws a wrench into the norm is the fact that we do some naughty fun things from time to time.
I know walking contradiction...Reading a book about religion and yet bringing extra partners into our sex life. Well honestly it's just that, some fun and sex. Nothing personal and nothing emotional.

Things are on the right track so far. No arguments for a bit, I've stopped looking for reasons for him to fail. I honestly haven't looked at that book since last Thursday, but instead I'm trying to strengthen my knowledge base for now. few missteps here and there but overall heading on the right track...

We are enjoying each others company for what it is, our love for each other, he's so much more affectionate as of late, and our sex life has exploded exponentially. All is well in the house for now.

I promise to go into more detail later, but just needed to give a heads up as for the disappearance!
xoxox
talk to you tomorrow!

What a surprise....

Well he decided to surprise me and come home for Mothers day. Very sweet and we had a great weekend as well.

Hope everyone had a great mothers day as well.

This was the first year that our kids planned everything themselves. It was very sweet and they lucked out because Daddy came home to help them out with shopping and all.

We did have a few hiccups but the were indeed some bonehead moves on my part and sensitivity on his part.

So over the weekend love seeks to understand, love is impossible, and love is Jesus Christ.

For understanding, its what the movie talked about looking at your wife as a degree so to speak, you have to continue to study and try to understand her, learn about her, just as she should you. You are both continually changing and growing so it should be something that never stops.

For the impossible, it is a look back on what you've done through now, and how it has changed or affected you. Things that may have been hard or seemingly impossible. The kind of love they are talking about in this book cannot be manufactured, it comes from a love that we don't completely comprehend. A love that only god can give us.

Love is Jesus Christ is simply but about Jesus Christ. His love and sacrifice for us and dare to trust in Him and love Him. Asking him to forgive you of you sins and show you the way.

This becomes more of a personal dare through these days, because its about the internal struggle and your relationship with Him.

My dad taught me that I don't need a church or a temple to have a relationship with God, I just go out side or have a seat and then have a talk with him or read the bible myself. One thing that has concerned me with organized religion is the fact that when you listen to the minister, pastor or whomever runs your church, you are listening to their interpretation of Gods word. This is your relationship and should be on your terms, not theirs.  Now I'm not saying they are wrong or they don't give powerful insight to something you may not realize, but there is a difference in what they say and what you read. Always has and always will be just because you are two different people.

So enough for now,  I may get back on later and regroup. Things have been going well, but it may be time to clue you all in to the extra curricular activities the hubby and I enjoy!
lol trust me they are something else!

Intimacy...not very realistic with that geographical distance.

Day 17 Love promotes intimacy.

Yeah that's kinda hard with him currently out of state. lol but the principals remained the same.
The relationship in a marriage is the most intimate of all. It is the greatest joy and scariest danger all in one. For someone to know us so personally and deeply they can cause wounds that can either take very long to heal or never heal. Home and marriage should be a place of safety, not fear. This fear and strain can cause you or your spouse to look outside your marriage for comfort...tender subject at best.

According to the bible, there is no fear in love, but love should cast out fear. Like Adam and Eve the closeness and intimacy should promote the relationship.

You alone wield the power to accept or reject your spouse. Intimacy takes time to develop, especially after it had been compromised. You have to give it a chance to open up again. Both hubby and I closed ourselves off to each other. It takes time to build that.

And for the first time in a long while I got a sure sign that David wants to do that. Last night we got into a little argument based on incorrect expectations. Then at the end of the argument he acknowledged that my faith in him is gone, and said that I need to let him restore my faith in him.

Today he tells me about a dream he had about us,  He had a happy lovey dovey dream that helped him put a new perspective on things. He said he caught a glimpse of our happy days recently and he is seeing my new attitude is refreshing. He thinks we can do this, and he WANTS to do this.  That's the first time in a while that he's actually said that. like used those words.  My hope continues to grow.

Its a new outlook its believing in him and in myself and not being that person before I had my faults but I allowed most of them, as did he...we were both selfish and judgemental and we weren't giving each other the chances to succeed, we were in fact setting each other up for failure.

This could be a very good sign.

I've talked a lot about our failures. And the things we've done wrong. Maybe I've even given a bad impression of both of us.  We are not bad people, we just let everything get between us. Career, house, kids, money we let it all come first and should not have. Easy to do with everything couples face these days. But we choose to fight that out to survive, partly because we are both stubborn asses, but partly because we both know we are deeply in love. The kind of love I've been talking about throughout the last few weeks.
Why else would two people continue on as long as we both have like this...we aren't looking to be emotionally battered by each other.  Comes down to hope and faith. how ever little we see or feel we know it's still there.

Ok now back to work...